Trust

Who do we trust these days?

I was reading the headlines this morning on my newsfeed. I must admit I have given up Llsnfairfechan and Ian's birthday 053.JPGopening articles because they are so negative. But as I was walking this morning I got to thinking about trust. I was brought up with the adage that you couldn’t trust politicians; that they were all two-faced, etc. Those of us politically minded would then go on marches, send letters, etc, even visit our local MP or go to the Houses of Parliament. This was in the days before online petitions so one had to be a bit dedicated to write and remember to buy a stamp, go to the post office, etc.

There is a tagline going around at the mo that says “the 0.2% have voted” which works on the lack of trust that these 0.2% have any idea what they are doing. It has almost gone beyond the “all politicians are two-faced” but to the “they haven’t got a clue”. Now I do believe there are a lot of politicians that don’t have a clue about being on benefits, dealing with the NHS, the state of the education system, trying to use public transport etc, etc. But I do think there are a lot of other people who don’t know or understand this either. So I think we need to be careful where we go with that.

But again this moved me on to the TRUST thing. Who do we trust? Llsnfairfechan and Ian's birthday 050.JPG

Or more personally who do I trust? I trust my weather app and will look at that rather than out the window before I go for a walk! 🙂

But it led me to do I trust God? Followers of my blog posts, and my life, will know that we have been through some stuff where God hasn’t done as we would have liked. Do I still trust him?

Llsnfairfechan and Ian's birthday 049Lesson from my dog – Renly and I were out walking at 7.30am this morning and it was still wayyyyy too hot so when we got to a stream I tried to persuade him to get a drink. He was frightened because the bank was a bit steep and he is only little. So I threw him in the water. He stood there with the cold water lapping round his belly and then walked out further so it was over his back. He drank and drank. For the first half of the walk he had trailed along because he was too hot. On the way back he ran like a mad dog because he was cool and so was happy. I’m not sure if he will still trust me by streams in case I throw him in but just maybe he learned that it was a good idea.

So sometimes God has to throw us into things for our own good to help us with the next part of our journey – no matter how hot or steep that next bit is but he wants to not just “lead us by still waters” (Psalm 23) but immerse us in those refreshing waters. We might not trust him next time he has us stand by those waters but he might just throw us in again for our own good. But it would have been much easier for Renly and for me if he had just jumped in when I’d showed it to him first of all and easier for us too if we just trust God a bit more.

So I may struggle to trust politicians or the media but I do need to, through the turmoil in our country and the direction of my life, trust in the Lord with all my head and lean on his understand – not my own (Proverbs 3:5)

Projected Expectations

I run my own business – room rental and writing workshops. One of the suggestions for your business, if you’ve ever watched Dragons Den, is to projected your future income.

path-of-least-resistance
what is this river’s projected expectation? 🙂

So every so often I do that. But then what I do, as well as projecting it, is I spend it in my head. So I decide that due to what happened last month I will have x number of days with both my rooms/one of my rooms being rented, x number of people attending one/both of my workshops. And then I work out what to do with it all.

I had two prospective lodgers planning to come for this winter. So I – worried about where I would put some of my regulars if they choose to book (note they haven’t yet), and also I planned what I would do with this money. Well … one has changed her mind and has decided to stay where she is, the other has not got back to confirm or not. Well I went into meltdown worrying about how I would manage without this money. Without this money I have not yet got!!! Hummm!!

But again, as Brexit looms larger and larger (maybe!), I notice more and more projected expectations being banded about. I am sure they are done with more information than me expecting who is going to rent my rooms/attend my workshops but still there is that “who knows what will happen” factor that our media is reluctant to put in. Yes these are projected but they are not for definite what will happen.

The figures the media are projecting are the opposite to what I project. I projected income, the media is only telling us doom. Whereas I live in optimism, until someone cancels, the media are living in pessimism.

But here is my hope – just as I get it wrong with my income and so get a bit panicky, I hope that the soothsayers who are being published in our media will also get it wrong and things will be better than they say.

(NB – there are people predicting that it will not all be doom and gloom but it seems our Julian_of_Norwichpapers, etc, do not want to let us know that. I heard someone say they were optimistic of our future. You don’t get that in the papers!!!)

And also, as I have discovered with my little business, and with my life that even when things look bad we make it through and as Julian of Norwich said

‘It was necessary that there should be sin (rubbish stuff happening); but all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.’

Privilege or Right?

I was listening to some comments on Women’s Hour on Radio 4 yesterday about Brexit. What I noticed was that people seemed to see being about to go to and fro in Europe as a right. EG – it is my right that my elderly parents should be able to live in Greece and thenwomens hour be able to fly back to UK for treatment as and when they like; it is my right that I can live in France when I want to retire and still get my pension from UK and be able to vote even though I have not been in the country for 17 years; it is my right that as a European I should be able to live in England for as long as I like and not have to worry about visas, etc; and so it seemed to go on.

I think we often get confused and for get that things are for a period of time. Have you ever tried getting in to the USA? A very different story. But people don’t see it as a right to be able to come and go into the USA as they please, even though it until two hundred or so years ago it was part of Britain. It is seen as a privilege to be able to live and work there, as it is in many other countries.

I am not saying whether I am a leave or remain person but what I am saying is that for the last forty years or so I have had the privilege of coming and going into Europe to live, work, holiday as I have wanted with no hassle. Once in Europe, for a long time now, the currency has been the same so I will not starve if I cross borders after the banks have closed. [Yes one time I nearly starved in Belgium because we got stuck there, between France and Holland on a weekend!!] I see this as aDSCF1039.JPG privilege.

I wonder if we saw the last few years of being part of Europe as a privilege for a season whether we could enter the debate with a different heart? If I see something as my right I get upset if it is taken away. If I see something as a privilege to enjoy for a period of time then even if I am sad when it goes I have not held it so tightly.

On reading Dan Held Evan’s quote after his wife Rachel died suddenly at 37 it read as if, even though his grieve was huge, he still held his time with her as a privilege he had enjoy and as a right that should never be taken from him. There is a lovely man in our church who was married to his wife for just over 59 years before she died of cancer who, even though his grief is open and he often cried in church, says he still looks at the time they had together as a privilege to cherish.

I believe we cherish privileges but cling to rights.

Yesterday I won a competition

There has been a lot going on in my life at the moment and writing is not taking a high priority. In fact talking to some crafy people yesterday we realised that with knitting, croquet, felting, etc you have to fully concentrate on what you are doing. You might be able to watch a TV box set if you’re good but otherwise it is just you and the knitting, or whatever. I find the same with horse riding. That is the place where all I can think about is what I’m doing riding wise. It clears my head but I cannot ride for more than an hour or two a week – can’t afford it and physically it would be exhausting!!! But with writing you are using that part of your brain that “chatters”. So stilling the chattering chimp mind is close to impossible. So when life sends it’s challenges yes there is journalling but actually keeping with the “project”, as least for me, became impossible.

So why did I enter this competition? Because I am trying to set myself a challenge of getting a piece polished a month. But also this was something I clearly remembered. I was eight. So it is one of the early memories, but it is also cluttered up with the realisation, as a child, that all in the garden wasn’t rosy. I have written a much longer piece which you can find at Dorset – 21st July 1969

Here is the piece I won with:

A bungalow in Dorset, Monday 21st July 1969
Breakfast was eaten in silence. He was at his place at the table. She was on the couch watching reruns of “one small step for man” on the colour TV. He left for work and took one giant leap over the flower beds to his car.

 

If you compare the two pieces you will see how much has changed to take it from around 400 words to 50. But, for me, it has kept the essence of a moment.

It will be published by http://www.museumofwalking.org.uk  around about 1st October. Check out their site and maybe even buy a copy? Also keep an eye out for other flash fiction competitions on the website.

Lessons Via A SatNav

Bottom line – things change but you have to trust the voice that is leading you! 

Maybe that’s all I will write. Do you need any explanation? Do you need to know where I was when I realised that? Do you need to know what thougths were going through my head at the time? Probably not.

BOA.jpg
Somewhere that I used to know but someone has put in stepping stones!

I did realise too that I have more trust at times in the satnav on googlemaps on my phone or on the BBC weather app than I have with God. I suppose some of it is that they are clearer. The satnav much more open in her directiveness. If only at times God would say “turn left here” then shout at me if I miss the turning. If only, when there’s an accident on the road I hoped to go on would tell me the best way to avoid it. Or maybe this is my fault?

I only hear the satnav when I have the media volume turned up high. I also have found I need to radio off so I only hear her speaking. When she sends me a direction I was not expecting because I thought I knew the road I trust her and take that turn.

So maybe with God I need to cut out distractions, turn the volume up a bit more and

Renly at BOA.jpg
Oh to be a dog and just trust where you are and enjoy it for what it is!

when sent somewhere different trust that he knows best?

Sunday Delivery

nutribulletI waited until I got my most recent credit card bill through because it had got a bit maxed out due to needing new glasses, car being MOTed (which it passed magnificently again), and husband’s birthday, and then I bought myself a Nutribullet. I have wanted one for ages and had got a cheap one from Aldi which I had used to death but now for the main article. So Saturday morning I went to the dreaded Amazon site, the place we all love to hate but that fits the bill for all our needs, and ordered a little bullet. I couldn’t quite bring myself to go the whole hog but have gone for the magic bullet. Amazon promised it would be delivered between Weds and Fri of this week. Excited!!!

Then I got an email to say it was coming Sunday. No not Sunday! I didn’t want a Sunday delivery. I felt that Sunday should be a day of rest. Postman get the day off so why not white van man? Though the day off thing does not work for my local Tesco, which I often pop into on my way back from church, or cafes or pubs. Hum! Something to think on there!

So Sunday about 2pm, which I was pondering taking the dog for a walk, the doorbell goes and man trusts parcel and electronic signing thing into my hand. I say thank you and he is gone. I wanted to say something like “I’m sorry I didn’t want it delivered today” or words to that effect but he was gone. But as I was walking on the beach with the dog I DSCF0754.JPGpondered – how was I to know whether this man was maybe a Jew or a Muslim. Maybe he had Friday or Saturday as his day off? Maybe he didn’t want Sunday off at all. Maybe he had a horrid home life, or lived alone, or ….? How was I to know what his life was like and whether he was happy or not to work Sundays? I used to work in hotels and bars and restaurants and used to love working Sundays when I was single. I used to like working over Christmas because, at the time, I didn’t want to spend it with my parents and their new partners. I used to love the camaraderie and fun of working over Christmases. Sundays were often a bit of a slog. We didn’t get extra money because it was a weekend or holiday time. In fact we got nothing extra at all, not ever time off in lieu. Most of the time we were just casual staff in the days before minimum wage so had to work to pay the rent!

I know there is the thing about delivery people not getting well paid but they get badly paid from Monday through to Saturday, as do those in hospitality. I suppose the thing is DSCF0762.JPGthe delivery drivers have to work to fulfil what is seen as the “need” to get a parcel immediately. And for me I think that’s where the rub is, that we should have a bit of delayed gratification. Just occasionally.

Thought – but then I suppose I did buy from Amazon because I didn’t want to make a trip to Argos and pick it up from there. I did want it now! Hum!

Dead meat

I am working through Becoming Your Story, a journaling course, when it mentioned Jonah and the Whale. All it actually says is this, but I got so much more from it.

Falling out of myth is like being regurgitated by Jonah’s whale as it beaches. We suddenly see a bigger world outside the belly of the whale, but it also feels like an
alien and disorienting world that we don’t know how to navigate. Meanwhile the whale that has been our environment and our containing story dies and decays.!

p115 Becoming Your Story

DSCF0782.JPGOk so picture this – you’ve been sent to go and do some huge task that you don’t want to do. I think we often hear this in our childhood or teens. But it is so huge we runaway. I know I ran away into  was drink, drugs, etc. Other people can runaway in a calmer, more acceptable fashion. In the running away you get to a place where others throw you overboard (we’re on the Jonah on the ship now) and you get swallowed up by something that you know has saved your life. Ok it isn’t great inside the whale but it is safe, you are going nowhere, you’ve got enough to eat, you aren’t doing yourself or anyone else any harm. You’re even wondering if you could live the rest of your life in that dull, dark place.

One day the whale beaches and vomits you out. I know we have seen the children’s picture books of how the whale is out at sea and does this huge spit, generally with a smile of its face, and out flies Jonah. Sorry but it wouldn’t have worked like that. To get Jonah on to the beach safely the whale had to be on the beach and vomiting.

Suddenly you are out of the dark, safe place. The sky is big and bright. You know you are up for this. You see all the signs pointing which way to go. In the Bible story it appears Jonah knew which way he had to walk to get to Nineveh. Maybe he knew how long it would take, maybe he didn’t. For us knowing how long it will take to even just live the rest of our lives a question that frightens us – saving for old age, giving up/taking up a career, having children, etc. How much of what we have got used to can we take with us? This whale is dead!

So we have a choice. We can [1] walk away alone from the dead, safe place, [2] we can DSCF0768stay by the dead, safe place and live off it as it rots, or[3]  we can take some of the dead meat with us. With the last two options we will be living off dead and decaying meat. Stinking flesh. Rotting flesh. We need to leave the dead behind and move on into the unknown.

We all need to leave the dead behind, whether real people who have died too soon, dreams and ambitions, safe places, expectations. That isn’t to say that we don’t grieve for those we’ve lost – whether people, places, dreams or expectations – but we don’t try to carry them with them. We let go of going over phrases like  “if only I had done x,y,z then ….”

There’s a lovely song by Hazel O’Connor from 1980 called If Only that has stayed with me all those years and has helped to keep me focused and not carrying the dead, rotting whale with me.

What’s done has been done, and I won’t be the one
Who despairs in the wheelchair, resigned to “If only”
No, I’ll stand up again and I’ll run
I’ll jump up till I touch the sun
Because I won’t be the one to be bound
By the sound of “If only, if only, if only”

Hazel O’Connor “If Only”

So like Jonah, we must walk away, leave the dead meat on the beach to rot, walk through the grieving process, as painful as that is, and wait to see what comes. And if we stay with the Jonah story there is hurt, disappointment, anger to come. But what I always hope is that after God has withered the vine and Jonah has had a major moan about it, he ponders and gets over it, moves on from Nineveh and walks into the rest of his life – with its hurts, disappointments, issues but also its running and leaping and wondering.

Let each and everyone us look and say “This whale is dead. Let’s leave the dead meat to rot on the beach and go to what’s next.”